I need to tell you how I feel.
Or rather, I need to write this down.
I need to make sense of what I’m feeling. Of what’s happening.
I need you to know how I feel.
I know I don’t need to explain that this is how I operate. Writing. Processing. I know you know.
You know me.
You see me.
The real me.
You push me there when I’m drifting away. And you celebrate when I arrive.
But do you know how I feel?
I know you do. I’m sure you do. Somewhere. Deep down. But are you letting yourself?
I’m not throwing shade, I’m not being emotional, and I’m sure/I hope you can feel that energy through my words.
I just need you to know.
I just need to tell you in case you don’t know already.
And I just need to know what you think in return.
You heard it from my lips just a few days ago.
Do you remember? Were you listening?
I’ll tell you again, just in case.
I’ve realised everything changed exactly around the time I met you.
Everything I’ve been through, learnt from, overcome. You were always there.
You’ve watched me change. You’ve seen me change, my life around me and inside of me.
My relationship with you is so intrinsically tied to this spiritual journey I’ve been on these past few years.
And since I last saw you, I’ve realised the synchronicity of it all.
I feel a deep spiritual connection to you.
It’s amazing and it’s terrifying.
And I think you feel the same.
Our conversations, our connection, our chemistry.
It’s like we’ve done this a million times and I’ve known you for a million years or more.
When I’m with you there’s no one else around, time doesn’t exist.
When I was confronted with your feelings, to say you threw me for a loop would be an understatement.
I hadn’t yet faced this reality.
I hadn’t yet confronted my own feelings.
I hadn’t yet allowed myself to be there with you.
And the worst part of it all is that we were drunk and I can’t remember exactly what you said.
I remember the energy.
I remember how you made me feel.
But I can’t remember the words, and for me that is so hard.
Words mean everything. Words are magic.
So I’m asking you to please, give me your words. Speak your truth. Tell me what’s on your heart and mind.
I know you don’t like writing things down.
I know you carry fear, insecurity, suspicion and scepticism around with you.
I know this is influenced by your career.
But I also know that you know it’s time to free yourself from this.
I know you want to trust.
I know you want something more.
I know you feel something more.
And I know it’s scary as fuck.
But what I know, most of all, is that something this amazing and intense and magnetic and magical and spiritual, can’t be something to ignore, or be afraid of, or run away from.
If it’s not a fuck yes, it’s a no – remember?
Chase me. Run to me. Catch me.
I see you.
I’m waiting for you.
I love you.
Looking back, I could feel this connection since the beginning.
Even when you were most in your ego. Even when I was most in mine.
I know I shook your tower, I know it came crashing down, I know it’s left you standing amongst the rubble like wtf.
You’ve done exactly the same for me.
But over these years since we first met, while I talk of my spiritual journey, you’ve been on one of your own.
Do you recognise that? Have you reflected on that?
I know you know.
You’ve changed too. So much. And I am so proud of you.
You have become so much of what you always could have been. So much of who you are, deep down.
I’ve never felt like this before. There’s a fire in my chest every time I think of you. Burning in my heart chakra like nothing I’ve ever experienced.
You’ve opened me all the way up.
And I’ve let you all the way in.
And that in itself is terrifying.
I said to you that I’m not scared of being hurt, of being broken. That I’ve been there before and that I could go there again.
And it’s true.
To some degree. I know I’d survive it. I know I’d pick myself up again.
But I am scared.
That deep dark place where I’d fallen, just before I met you, I don’t want to go back there.
But I’ve let you into my heart.
It’s too late.
I’m taking the risk.
Where I know you know you belong.
But will you stay?
As I write this out, this clarity, this stream of consciousness, this understanding, this awakening, I know it’s truth because it feels like something I’m remembering.
Not epiphanies, when you know they’re lightning bolts from the divine.
But realisations, something from the deep subconscious truth of my mind.
Do you feel the same?
Like we planned this out?
Like we had/have lessons to learn, but finding one another and being together are part of it all?
When I say I didn’t “let myself realise” all of this when I first met you, it’s the truth.
I wasn’t ready.
My God, I wanted you so badly. “You”. Yet to realise who you really were.
But I was broken. I was damaged. I was at my lowest of low that year.
My break up, my competition, everything culminating in one deep dark hole.
I wasn’t lying when I said I was on my hands & knees on the floor, begging to be shown the way forwards.
At my lowest of love, praying to be shown the light, the way forwards, in service to whatever benevolent higher powers that be out there.
I had nowhere left to turn.
I was a mess.
Yet I was given grace.
I was shown.
I could feel the way forwards.
Things literally looked and felt different to me in the days/weeks/months that followed.
It was like I saw the world with new eyes. These people, places, things I was occupying my time with. They meant nothing. They were giving me nothing.
I needed to change. I needed to begin again. I needed to phoenix-rise from the ashes.
So I came home.
I left you.
Because I wasn’t ready for you.
But in the process, I found myself.
I healed myself.
I got to know myself.
I started loving myself.
And now there’s you again.
And now I realise there only ever was you.
I could always feel your presence. Or rather, your absence, in my life.
And now I see you and feel you.
And when I was with you, I realised, my life is changing again.
I can’t forget the touch of your hands, the kiss of your lips on my skin.
I can’t stop craving you.
I can’t stop dreaming of time and space and freedom to just be with you.
To explore you.
To be one with you.
What is going on in your heart and your mind?
What are your thoughts?
How do you feel?
Maybe this doesn’t resonate at all. Maybe I sound like a crazy person who you need a restraining order against. And if that’s the case, I’m sorry. Forget it all.
But this is my honest truth. My honest feelings. My honest insights.
I trust them.
And I trust you.
I trust you with my heart.
So I guess the only question left is, what are you going to do with it?
That’s what I’m asking you. That’s what I want you to answer.
We shared another experience the other night.
And I know you’re busy. I know you’re being confronted with your real life responsibilities right now.
I wonder if you have time to think of me.
I wonder what that night meant to you. What’s on your mind.
How you cope with the double life, the incongruence between your inner and outer worlds.
Or have I got the wrong end of the stick. Have I been led astray. Are you just like the rest of them but wearing a better costume, a more convincing disguise.
I know you have a lot on your plate. A lot of responsibilities. And commitments.
But you deserve to be happy.
And to be true to yourself.
And to know that the only burdens you ever bear are the ones that you choose.
You said yourself you want devotion.
To be devoted.
What does that look like?
What does that feel like?
What else is love, true spiritual love, but devotion?
I know you need to think, and to process, and to figure things out.
And there’s no time limit, you do you.
But the longer you wait the more the decision will be made for you.
I want you to choose me.
I implore you.
I couldn’t mean this more.
Every fibre of my being sings in alignment with this desire.
But I have no expectations.
As much as I don’t want to be hurt.
As much as I want you.
I know that it’s out of my control.
It’s in your hands.
And in the hands of the divine.
I know I am safe.
I know I am loved.
I know I am on my way to living happily ever after.
I just have to wait & see.
But you’ve left me.
Abandoned. Used. Disrespected.
I haven’t heard from you.
I know you’re busy, but is it really impossible?
I opened so wide to you the other night.
I was so vulnerable and honest.
I let you in. I wanted to. And you wanted to be there.
But what is this, this silence. This void. This space.
I don’t know where you are.
What you’re thinking.
What will come next.
And I’m triggered.
By all the men who have ever broken my heart.
By all the men who have ever left me.
And I know that’s my shit.
And I’m not putting it on you.
I’m just explaining how I feel.
You’re sneaking around.
Not least of all to yourself.
As well as all those around you.
I know it’s confusing.
But it’s inauthentic and dishonest, and you’re better than that.
Everyone deserves better than that.
How do you think I feel when you go back to your life?
How do you think other people would feel if they found out the truth?
I know it’s heavy.
I know it’s hard.
I know it’s like a big wtf tonne of bricks landed on your path.
But the path is now a fork in the road.
One door closes the other.
You have to make a decision.
And I need to know what that is.
I love you. I see you. I feel you.
I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.