Love, I need to tell you something

I need to tell you how I feel.

Or rather, I need to write this down.

I need to make sense of what I’m feeling. Of what’s happening.

I need you to know how I feel.

I know I don’t need to explain that this is how I operate. Writing. Processing. I know you know.

You know me.

You see me.

The real me.

You push me there when I’m drifting away. And you celebrate when I arrive.

But do you know how I feel?

I know you do. I’m sure you do. Somewhere. Deep down. But are you letting yourself?

I’m not throwing shade, I’m not being emotional, and I’m sure/I hope you can feel that energy through my words.

I just need you to know.

I just need to tell you in case you don’t know already.

And I just need to know what you think in return.

Please.

You heard it from my lips just a few days ago.

Do you remember? Were you listening?

I’ll tell you again, just in case.

I’ve realised everything changed exactly around the time I met you.

Everything I’ve been through, learnt from, overcome. You were always there.

You’ve watched me change. You’ve seen me change, my life around me and inside of me.

My relationship with you is so intrinsically tied to this spiritual journey I’ve been on these past few years.

And since I last saw you, I’ve realised the synchronicity of it all.

I feel a deep spiritual connection to you.

It’s amazing and it’s terrifying.

And I think you feel the same.

Our conversations, our connection, our chemistry.

It’s like we’ve done this a million times and I’ve known you for a million years or more.

When I’m with you there’s no one else around, time doesn’t exist.

When I was confronted with your feelings, to say you threw me for a loop would be an understatement.

I hadn’t yet faced this reality.

I hadn’t yet confronted my own feelings.

I hadn’t yet allowed myself to be there with you.

And the worst part of it all is that we were drunk and I can’t remember exactly what you said.

I remember the energy.

I remember how you made me feel.

But I can’t remember the words, and for me that is so hard.

Words mean everything. Words are magic.

So I’m asking you to please, give me your words. Speak your truth. Tell me what’s on your heart and mind.

I know you don’t like writing things down.

I know you carry fear, insecurity, suspicion and scepticism around with you.

I know this is influenced by your career.

But I also know that you know it’s time to free yourself from this.

I know you want to trust.

I know you want something more.

I know you feel something more.

And I know it’s scary as fuck.

But what I know, most of all, is that something this amazing and intense and magnetic and magical and spiritual, can’t be something to ignore, or be afraid of, or run away from.

If it’s not a fuck yes, it’s a no – remember?

Chase me. Run to me. Catch me.

I see you.

I’m waiting for you.

I love you.

Looking back, I could feel this connection since the beginning.

Even when you were most in your ego. Even when I was most in mine.

I know I shook your tower, I know it came crashing down, I know it’s left you standing amongst the rubble like wtf.

You’ve done exactly the same for me.

But over these years since we first met, while I talk of my spiritual journey, you’ve been on one of your own.

Do you recognise that? Have you reflected on that?

I know you know.

You’ve changed too. So much. And I am so proud of you.

You have become so much of what you always could have been. So much of who you are, deep down.

I’ve never felt like this before. There’s a fire in my chest every time I think of you. Burning in my heart chakra like nothing I’ve ever experienced.

You’ve opened me all the way up.

And I’ve let you all the way in.

And that in itself is terrifying.

I said to you that I’m not scared of being hurt, of being broken. That I’ve been there before and that I could go there again.

And it’s true.

To some degree. I know I’d survive it. I know I’d pick myself up again.

But I am scared.

I’m terrified.

That deep dark place where I’d fallen, just before I met you, I don’t want to go back there.

But I’ve let you into my heart.

It’s too late.

I’m taking the risk.

You’re there.

Where I know you know you belong.

But will you stay?

As I write this out, this clarity, this stream of consciousness, this understanding, this awakening, I know it’s truth because it feels like something I’m remembering.

Not epiphanies, when you know they’re lightning bolts from the divine.

But realisations, something from the deep subconscious truth of my mind.

Do you feel the same?

Like we planned this out?

Like we had/have lessons to learn, but finding one another and being together are part of it all?

When I say I didn’t “let myself realise” all of this when I first met you, it’s the truth.

I wasn’t ready.

My God, I wanted you so badly. “You”. Yet to realise who you really were.

But I was broken. I was damaged. I was at my lowest of low that year.

My break up, my competition, everything culminating in one deep dark hole.

I wasn’t lying when I said I was on my hands & knees on the floor, begging to be shown the way forwards.

At my lowest of love, praying to be shown the light, the way forwards, in service to whatever benevolent higher powers that be out there.

I had nowhere left to turn.

I was a mess.

Yet I was given grace.

I was shown.

I could feel the way forwards.

Things literally looked and felt different to me in the days/weeks/months that followed.

It was like I saw the world with new eyes. These people, places, things I was occupying my time with. They meant nothing. They were giving me nothing.

I needed to change. I needed to begin again. I needed to phoenix-rise from the ashes.

So I came home.

I left you.

Because I wasn’t ready for you.

But in the process, I found myself.

I healed myself.

I got to know myself.

I started loving myself.

And now there’s you again.

And now I realise there only ever was you.

Always.

I could always feel your presence. Or rather, your absence, in my life.

And now I see you and feel you.

And when I was with you, I realised, my life is changing again.

I can’t forget the touch of your hands, the kiss of your lips on my skin.

I can’t stop craving you.

I can’t stop dreaming of time and space and freedom to just be with you.

To explore you.

To be one with you.

What is going on in your heart and your mind?

What are your thoughts?

How do you feel?

Maybe this doesn’t resonate at all. Maybe I sound like a crazy person who you need a restraining order against. And if that’s the case, I’m sorry. Forget it all.

But this is my honest truth. My honest feelings. My honest insights.

I trust them.

And I trust you.

I trust you with my heart.

So I guess the only question left is, what are you going to do with it?

That’s what I’m asking you. That’s what I want you to answer.

We shared another experience the other night.

And I know you’re busy. I know you’re being confronted with your real life responsibilities right now.

I wonder if you have time to think of me.

I wonder what that night meant to you. What’s on your mind.

How you cope with the double life, the incongruence between your inner and outer worlds.

Or have I got the wrong end of the stick. Have I been led astray. Are you just like the rest of them but wearing a better costume, a more convincing disguise.

I know you have a lot on your plate. A lot of responsibilities. And commitments.

But you deserve to be happy.

And to be true to yourself.

And to know that the only burdens you ever bear are the ones that you choose.

You said yourself you want devotion.

To be devoted.

What does that look like?

What does that feel like?

What else is love, true spiritual love, but devotion?

I know you need to think, and to process, and to figure things out.

And there’s no time limit, you do you.

But the longer you wait the more the decision will be made for you.

I want you to choose me.

I implore you.

I couldn’t mean this more.

Every fibre of my being sings in alignment with this desire.

But I have no expectations.

As much as I don’t want to be hurt.

As much as I want you.

I know that it’s out of my control.

It’s in your hands.

And in the hands of the divine.

I know I am safe.

I know I am loved.

I know I am on my way to living happily ever after.

I just have to wait & see.

But you’ve left me.

Abandoned. Used. Disrespected.

I haven’t heard from you.

I know you’re busy, but is it really impossible?

I opened so wide to you the other night.

I was so vulnerable and honest.

I let you in. I wanted to. And you wanted to be there.

But what is this, this silence. This void. This space.

I don’t know where you are.

What you’re thinking.

What will come next.

And I’m triggered.

By all the men who have ever broken my heart.

By all the men who have ever left me.

And I know that’s my shit.

And I’m not putting it on you.

I’m just explaining how I feel.

You’re sneaking around.

You’re lying.

Not least of all to yourself.

As well as all those around you.

I know it’s confusing.

And complicated.

And messy.

But it’s inauthentic and dishonest, and you’re better than that.

Everyone deserves better than that.

How do you think I feel when you go back to your life?

How do you think other people would feel if they found out the truth?

I’m sorry.

I know it’s heavy.

I know it’s hard.

I know it’s like a big wtf tonne of bricks landed on your path.

But the path is now a fork in the road.

One door closes the other.

You have to make a decision.

And I need to know what that is.

I love you. I see you. I feel you.

I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.

Signing off, for now

Something I’ve realised lately, or rather, something that is coming into focus for me at this time, is that sometimes I jump the gun on sharing pieces of myself and pieces of what I’m learning, with the world.

Even though it’s always with the best of intentions, I know that sometimes in my excitement over a new insight or new piece of information, I rush to put it out there for everyone to share in, without properly integrating that wisdom into myself.

I’ve been reflecting on this lately, as I look to my year ahead and consider how I want it to unfold. What do I want to manifest for myself and my life? How do I want to live? What do I want to spend each day doing? How do I want to feel while doing those things? And the core question bottom-lining it all, how can I be of greater service to the world?

My daily prayer is, “heal me and guide me, so that I may be of greater service to others.” This is my mission. This is my purpose. This is my WHY.

To be here. To live. To exist.

To learn and to grow.

To help and to heal.

To empower and uplift.

To be of service.

I so desire to forge deep connections with like-minded people. I so desire to serve a large audience, to impact change on a large-scale.

I so desire to see the lives of those I love shift and change in response to the brave inner work they commit themselves to.

I so desire to see the world around me rise up in light and in love, in consciousness, in healing, in health, in happiness.

I ask myself daily, what can I do to further these ambitions. How can I show up bigger and better. How can I be of greater service to the world?

Well, I’ve come to a conclusion. And the fact that it is sure to challenge me, tells me it is exactly the move I need to make.

So, here is me, Boldly She, signing off for a month.

No blogging.

No Facebook.

No Instagram.

No online activity (bar the odd FB message for those who can’t reach me via text or phone call).

I’ll miss being here, connecting and communicating with you all.

But right now, I know that what I need most of all is to connect deeper with myself and communicate clearer with the universe.

You can find me amongst the trees, hanging with Mama N. Or at the beach listening to her ocean melody. Or under the stars, connecting to those cosmic origins from whence we all came.

I wish you all the most amazing February! Don’t let these eclipses rock you too hard, ride the waves, allow what comes up for you to teach you what it needs to, and allow what falls away to go graciously from your life.

You’ve got this.

And the universe has got you.

All my love,

xBS

Between Celebrations

In the midst of these blurry days between Christmas and New Year’s, I’ve made the decision to have a few days just to myself. After the family festivities, before the fun times with friends; just me, myself & I.

the whole year till now is filled with a non-stop busy rush from waking to sleeping, work to play, exercise to sleep. there is no other time of year when we have the space of several weeks or so, where life demands little of us.

so what better time to reconnect with ourselves? with the self inside who so desperately needs to catch a breath..

how was 2017 for you? did it feel easy, in-sync? did you live intentionally, with purposeful direction and conscious action?

i know i certainly didn’t. not 100% of the time. not for lack of trying. but 2017 threw us many curveballs, collectively. and individually i have no doubt it was a hard one for all of us.

growing up sucks sometimes, let’s be honest. yeah sure we get freedom, independence and the means to live as we choose. but with that comes responsibility, awareness, and a conscience.

we start to see more of the world. more hurt, more pain; more loss, more grief. we start to see more of ourselves. who we are. who we want to become.

which face do we show the world? are we proud to be ourselves? do we truly love who we are? 

i’ve been working for many years now on de-programming myself from the matrix. on re-programming myself with a better truth. and while i still have much work to do, i’m certainly feeling the positive effects as 2017 rolls to a close.

when i look back on recent years, so much has changed in my life. both externally and internally.

in 2015, off the back of a break up (the earth-shattering, soul-splitting kind) i was more lost than i’d ever been. the side-effects of seeking meaning and love outside of myself reached their climax with my competing in a body building show. obsession with my image and outward appearance came crashing down around me in a tidal wave of depression and bulimia.

in 2016, by being confronted with my darkest demons, a new path had awakened inside of me. i made the decision to move back to new zealand. i crawled home to heal myself, to ground myself, to find my feet in the place where my soul could rest. as i healed myself, my relationships around me began to heal. i remembered who i was, who i came here to be.

in 2017, i learnt how to be seen as my new self. how to be comfortable and confident with the me i had found deep within. i learnt that there is always going to be more work to do, that forging my own path was going to be fraught with confusion and challenge. i learnt that the way of the world is not the way for me, because i’m here to build a new world, which means i have to walk a new way.

and now, 2018, where will life lead me? where will i choose to travel to? what lies ahead? with this new year, i am choosing to consciously create that future, to create my reality; to dream up the life i want to live, and believe it into being.

life’s lessons gain meaning the further we go. as 2017 closes its doors i give thanks for those lessons. for new ones and old. i give thanks for my family, my friends, all souls sharing this journey with me. you have all given me something to help me along, and for that i am grateful.

i give thanks for life. to be here, alive. to experience these moments, to ponder upon their meaning. self-awareness is a gift, although it feels like a curse at times. but i am here, we all are, and that is magic in itself.

i hope you take some time to reflect upon your journey. to congratulate yourself for where you are, for who you are, for the self you are becoming. it’s hard to be a human, no doubt about that. so for being here, you are a hero. your own hero. a hero the world needs.

all my love, one last time for 2017. i wish you blessings, abundance, love and magic.

xBS

 


Art by Ouvra

Sometimes it’s hard to be human

things are rough out there. i know i can’t be the only one who feels it? pressure is building, it’s getting hotter, more uncomfortable, more intense. i resisted it for longer than i should have. i guess we all do. but sooner or later i had to face up to the reality that things were changing and i needed to too.

i have absolutely no idea what i’m doing most of the time. trying my best to be a good human, failing epically a lot of the time. but i’m trying. trying to deal with my shit, catch myself and check myself. levelling up. game time. i’m getting too old for this BS.

xBS. that’s what it stands for after all: NO. BULL. SHIT. to keep me to account. to myself. to you all.

i’ve felt so confused about what i wanted this space to represent. what i was trying to say. what i was trying to do. half the time what i create isn’t mine, it just comes through me. i sync up and find my alignment and the tap is turned on. in times like this it feels truly magic. i feel so inspired and connected and calm. i know everything is going to be okay, it’s going to be amazing. i just have to believe it into reality.

when i am in this state of mind, i understand on a cellular level that my thoughts create my reality. that when i slip and de-centre, my ego takes over, and fear or fight or flight kicks in. that is when i lose control, too deep in attachment to outcomes, i start drowning beneath the surface. suffocated. confused.

when i take the time to carve out space for myself, with no interruptions, i feel a significant impact on myself, my energy, my vibration. how i move through my day is different. i am lighter, freer, more go-with-the-flow. the space i create for myself looks different, depending on what i feel i need in that moment. sometimes it’s a hike with mama nature, the hakarimatas are my absolute go-to. the energy of the bush up on those hills leaves me charged up (and yes, a bit sweaty) each & every time. but sometimes the space is just time by myself in my room, with my phone on airplane mode, and a candle or incense burning. what matters is not where, what matters is what i do.

just spending time with myself. me, myself & i.

i sit down and ask, “how am i going?” grinding to a halt to assess the quality of my inner & outer worlds. through this, i am afforded perspective.

sometimes i am so busy rushing from one thing to the next, i lose my centre and that’s exactly when things start to go wrong. i have been working hard to identify immediately when/if that’s happening, so that as soon as it does, i go deeper into the pain. i discover what exactly is being triggered. i take time to process the issue, allowing myself to FEEL any emotions that come up, and then have compassion for my natural human reaction to the situation. most importantly though, after all this, i RELEASE those emotions, like storm clouds passing over a blue sky.

i know that the sky is there. that the sky is me. my consciousness. my connection to the universe and all those around me. my friends & my family, my soul mates, all of you. we came here on these crazy journeys, together, for a reason. to help each other, to heal each other, to hold space for each other. while we all transform, evolve, transcend.

have you ever stopped to wonder, why you are the way you are? why do we think the way we think? why do we tell ourselves the particular set of stories that belong to us – about the way we look, why people might like or dislike us, what we are capable of, and WHY ON EARTH ARE WE HERE?

i always come back to this question. i can’t be the only one? don’t you feel (don’t you KNOW?!) deep inside of yourself, that you have something special to share with the world?

you! your unique combination of life experience, perspective, desires and fears? why you are the way you are?

sometimes i feel like the answers to these questions are things i just can’t quite remember.. like i used to know, but then i forgot.

i guess maybe that’s why i’ve tried so many different paths in my life? because on a sub-conscious level, i was looking for things that just felt like they fit?

what feels good? follow it! go for it! try it! dedicate your life to it!

what are you crazy passionate about? what is that thing that makes you just light up inside?

and then old mate fear pops up.. and we start to worry, and reason, and justify, and remember all the times we felt small before. because the scary thing, which has ruined our confidence, is that we’ve thought we’ve known before, we’ve thought we were feeling it before, but then, BAM! we started to feel differently.

but ultimately, i realised, there’s nothing we can do.. nothing is promised, nothing is certain. except for change.

life is going to keep throwing us curveballs and obstacle courses, and it’s gonna suck and feel painful and unfair a lot of the time.. people are gonna piss us off and disappoint us.. we are gonna disappoint ourselves.. but this time, we have a secret weapon, WE KNOW IT CAN BE BETTER.

WE KNOW WE GET TO CHOOSE.

literally!

we can dream a new dream! believe a new story! imagine our best lives and create them around us!

what does it look like? how does it feel? your best ever life, your best ever self?

write it down, draw a picture, make an inspo collage on your wall.

read it or look at that dream, every single day. feeling in your cells how it would feel to achieve all of those things.

to be free. to be loved. to be happy. to be safe. the same and more for all those i know, and all those i don’t as well. 

 

xBS

xBS

she needed something new

a fresh journal

a blank page

a clean slate

to mirror the changes elsewhere in her world.

the new chapter

the new feels

the new version of herself.

for too long she had been lost

hiding

afraid

unsure.

held back

by forces

greater,

magnified

by fears

her own.

free

finally,

she was inspired once again

motivated once again

passionate once again.

the words were ready

to flow

unrestricted

uninhibited

unlimited

but the new words needed a new home.

so she redesigned the space

the look

the feel,

she cleared the clutter

the old

releasing

letting go

moving on.

yet she is rusty

the words don’t come

as clean

and clear

as she had so hoped they would

for so long.

she knows she must be patient

and pause

listen

allow.

the rising

crashing

breaking.

the ocean

of consciousness

of awareness

self-consciousness

self-awareness.

she was a bird

who forgot how to fly

who forgot she had wings

who forgot how to sing

the song in her heart

caged

by her own fears

her own faults

her own failures

under the microscope

of her self

the self she was learning to love

to embrace

to accept.

with a light

too bright to bear

a weight

too heavy to hold

yet a knowing

that somehow

she must

find the way

find the strength

find the courage

to step forth

and be seen

for all that she was

all that she is

all that she will become.

fearful

flawed

failed

but whole

complete

at peace

with her past

her present

and her future ✨

 

xBS

Mid-flight musings

i wanted Boldly She to be something special, something personal, something people could relate to, amongst this world of highlight reels and social media. i wanted to talk about things no one else usually did. to share my experiences, thoughts and feelings in a place that was my own.

i have so much to say. i always have. yet have always danced back & forth between sharing and keeping quiet. call it ego, call it fear, call it not-good-enoughness. but i always come back to, “who cares, anyway? why is my story special or different from anyone else’s? worth someone’s time to read and to care about what I have to say?”

but when I think about it, when i strip away that fear-based BS, isn’t everyone’s story special? doesn’t everyone have something to say? something to share? their own unique perspective on the themselves and the world around them?

to be alive is so magical it’s ridiculous, when you really stop to think about it. here we are, all god-knows how many billion of us, hanging out on a giant ball of earth, air, fire & water, suspended perfectly in orbit amongst the stars, and we are somehow able to talk and sing and dance and run and fuck and laugh and cry.

our bodies simultaneously digest food, breathe oxygen, pump blood, filter toxins, think and feel, and process light and sound and colour. all of this without our conscious awareness.

our experiences of life are so interwoven and connected, yet simultaneously so varied and singular. we share this earth with fellow humans, yet ultimately will only ever be ourselves. will only ever view the world through the windows that are our own eyes.

two things remain fundamental, we live and we die. yet, those days in between are solely ours to create. to fill up with lives of our preference, that suit our own interests and passions and strengths. us & the universe, together, we co-create this reality. this reality we each call our life.

so yeah, I guess I do believe that this all is something to be shared. something to be spoken about. and although i feel the fear, each & every day, i will choose my story. i will choose the words. i will share my own perspective, what life has been like for me. my hopes and my dreams, the inner-most workings of my mind, heart & soul. not always fearlessly. not always Boldly. but I will try my best to do so.

 

xBS

 

 

Go with the flow

Surrender. Lie back. Take a breath. Relax.

Stop trying so hard. Stop forcing. Stop giving so much that you have nothing left for yourself.

Drop the expectations. Drop the shoulds, woulds, coulds. And the ifs, buts & maybes, while you’re at it.

You are here.

HERE.

NOW.

Be here.

Be here now.

Take a look around. Isn’t it wonderful? Isn’t life wonderful? Aren’t you surrounded by blessings on blessings? More than you could ever need?

Yet, why do you want more? Why is it not enough? Why do you feel an emptiness? An unease?

The pursuit of happiness.. That elusive emotion. Sometimes easy to be found, other times not so much. There is so much to be happy about, so much to be grateful for.. Yet why is it so hard to feel that way sometimes?

Comparison. Confusion. Conflict. Inner worlds rocked by chaos and self-doubt.

Am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing? Am I where I’m meant to be? 

What does that line of questioning even mean? Supposed to be? Meant to be? According to what? According to who?

Why must you think you should be anywhere but where you are?

Don’t you think if you were meant to be somewhere else, then you’d be there?

This life isn’t a mistake. It’s all for a reason. It has to be. There’s too much divine design and perfect imperfection for it to be anything else.

So, look around. What is there to learn? What is life trying to show you? Teach you? Heal in you?

Take stock. Reassess. Review it all.

What do you need? What don’t you need? What’s serving you? What isn’t?

 

“When we change our habits we change our lives”

 

So what needs to change?

People, places, patterns of behaviour?

Thoughts that have become beliefs, that are now holding you back?

Things you thought you wanted but now you aren’t so sure?

 

Let it all go.

Surrender. Lie back. Take a breath. Relax.

 

xBS