Sometimes it’s hard to be human

things are rough out there. i know i can’t be the only one who feels it? pressure is building, it’s getting hotter, more uncomfortable, more intense. i resisted it for longer than i should have. i guess we all do. but sooner or later i had to face up to the reality that things were changing and i needed to too.

i have absolutely no idea what i’m doing most of the time. trying my best to be a good human, failing epically a lot of the time. but i’m trying. trying to deal with my shit, catch myself and check myself. levelling up. game time. i’m getting too old for this BS.

xBS. that’s what it stands for after all: NO. BULL. SHIT. to keep me to account. to myself. to you all.

i’ve felt so confused about what i wanted this space to represent. what i was trying to say. what i was trying to do. half the time what i create isn’t mine, it just comes through me. i sync up and find my alignment and the tap is turned on. in times like this it feels truly magic. i feel so inspired and connected and calm. i know everything is going to be okay, it’s going to be amazing. i just have to believe it into reality.

when i am in this state of mind, i understand on a cellular level that my thoughts create my reality. that when i slip and de-centre, my ego takes over, and fear or fight or flight kicks in. that is when i lose control, too deep in attachment to outcomes, i start drowning beneath the surface. suffocated. confused.

when i take the time to carve out space for myself, with no interruptions, i feel a significant impact on myself, my energy, my vibration. how i move through my day is different. i am lighter, freer, more go-with-the-flow. the space i create for myself looks different, depending on what i feel i need in that moment. sometimes it’s a hike with mama nature, the hakarimatas are my absolute go-to. the energy of the bush up on those hills leaves me charged up (and yes, a bit sweaty) each & every time. but sometimes the space is just time by myself in my room, with my phone on airplane mode, and a candle or incense burning. what matters is not where, what matters is what i do.

just spending time with myself. me, myself & i.

i sit down and ask, “how am i going?” grinding to a halt to assess the quality of my inner & outer worlds. through this, i am afforded perspective.

sometimes i am so busy rushing from one thing to the next, i lose my centre and that’s exactly when things start to go wrong. i have been working hard to identify immediately when/if that’s happening, so that as soon as it does, i go deeper into the pain. i discover what exactly is being triggered. i take time to process the issue, allowing myself to FEEL any emotions that come up, and then have compassion for my natural human reaction to the situation. most importantly though, after all this, i RELEASE those emotions, like storm clouds passing over a blue sky.

i know that the sky is there. that the sky is me. my consciousness. my connection to the universe and all those around me. my friends & my family, my soul mates, all of you. we came here on these crazy journeys, together, for a reason. to help each other, to heal each other, to hold space for each other. while we all transform, evolve, transcend.

have you ever stopped to wonder, why you are the way you are? why do we think the way we think? why do we tell ourselves the particular set of stories that belong to us – about the way we look, why people might like or dislike us, what we are capable of, and WHY ON EARTH ARE WE HERE?

i always come back to this question. i can’t be the only one? don’t you feel (don’t you KNOW?!) deep inside of yourself, that you have something special to share with the world?

you! your unique combination of life experience, perspective, desires and fears? why you are the way you are?

sometimes i feel like the answers to these questions are things i just can’t quite remember.. like i used to know, but then i forgot.

i guess maybe that’s why i’ve tried so many different paths in my life? because on a sub-conscious level, i was looking for things that just felt like they fit?

what feels good? follow it! go for it! try it! dedicate your life to it!

what are you crazy passionate about? what is that thing that makes you just light up inside?

and then old mate fear pops up.. and we start to worry, and reason, and justify, and remember all the times we felt small before. because the scary thing, which has ruined our confidence, is that we’ve thought we’ve known before, we’ve thought we were feeling it before, but then, BAM! we started to feel differently.

but ultimately, i realised, there’s nothing we can do.. nothing is promised, nothing is certain. except for change.

life is going to keep throwing us curveballs and obstacle courses, and it’s gonna suck and feel painful and unfair a lot of the time.. people are gonna piss us off and disappoint us.. we are gonna disappoint ourselves.. but this time, we have a secret weapon, WE KNOW IT CAN BE BETTER.

WE KNOW WE GET TO CHOOSE.

literally!

we can dream a new dream! believe a new story! imagine our best lives and create them around us!

what does it look like? how does it feel? your best ever life, your best ever self?

write it down, draw a picture, make an inspo collage on your wall.

read it or look at that dream, every single day. feeling in your cells how it would feel to achieve all of those things.

to be free. to be loved. to be happy. to be safe. the same and more for all those i know, and all those i don’t as well. 

 

xBS

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s